absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
