Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
last night I used snow as a chaser
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
