Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
