Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
