i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
