I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
