my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My feet surprised me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
