She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
