What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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