considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
