like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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