I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Randomize
