I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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