he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
