Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
