You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
