Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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