I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
