So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
