Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have fence marks all over my body
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize