I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so let's talk penis.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
