is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
