When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
