Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
