first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
