I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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