So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
