TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
