my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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