Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Randomize
