i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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