The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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