I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
