i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
