What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
