Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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