They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
