Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Randomize
