I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
