dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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