we're chasing vodka with high fives
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize
