when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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