My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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