I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
