I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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