We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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