listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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