i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
