He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This baby is an asshole
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize