I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
