He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
