i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
