I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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