I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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