Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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