Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
