Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
