Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
