toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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