Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
