Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He did a backflip because drugs
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
