She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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