I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
